I always knew I wanted to be a mom. I remember playing with my dolls, dreaming about having babies, putting pillows under my shirt, and talking about my future twins (a boy and a girl--named Emily and Ty). Motherhood was a magical thing that I couldn't wait to be a part of someday.
And then I was pregnant. It was surreal. Pregnancy is so exciting. I mean, you are literally growing a tiny human inside of you. It's such a miraculous and unexplainable thing. My husband might not describe it as nicely as I wasn't always the sweetest pregnant woman, but it was exciting nonetheless. Preparing a nursery, buying tiny clothes, and being showered with love and gifts by wonderful mothers that have gone before you. Everyone says, "you'll never know love like this" and "it's so worth it". I would always smile and nod thinking, of course it's worth it and I know I'll love him....silly moms.
Enter Knox. My world was turned upside and backwards in the blink of an eye. I never anticipated the way I would feel once he was born.
My husband and I were no longer fun-loving, do what you want when you want it best friends and partners in crime, but two very tired people who signed up to take care of a baby all.the.time. I immediately grieved the loss of my old life, and quite frankly, kind of resented my little baby for taking away my husband's attention. I no longer had his sole attention, not to mention, I still looked 6 months pregnant, had a massive hole in my stomach, and couldn't control my post-pregnancy hormones.
No one tells you that you will cry. A lot. And all the time following baby. I thought I was crazy, and probably actually was a little. I cried when Knox was sleeping. I cried when Knox was awake. I cried in the morning. I cried in the evening. I had no control of my emotions and I had never felt that way before. It is scary.
This is only compounded by social media posts of other new mommas saying, "this is the best thing that's ever happened to me" and "my heart is complete in this little man". I knew I loved my little man, but I definitely didn't like him for seemingly ruining my life.
I have personally struggled with anxiety for most of my adult life. Adding a baby into the mix of a type A, anxiety prone woman with a plan and a schedule is rough. I was anxious about being anxious. Sayings like, "sleep while the baby sleeps"only added fuel to the fire of crazy....
For weeks, I struggled with this anxiety and "mommy guilt" from my ill feelings towards my new life, for having a c-section, for giving my baby formula, and for not knowing how to make him stop crying. Whether anyone else is judging your new parenting skills or not, the weight of the world is on a new mom's shoulders.
Week by week, and little by little, the new normal set in. Many wonderful friends and family stepped up to support us and tell me it's "normal" to feel this way.
We are now the golden 3 months out and looking back, it was the hardest 3 months of my life. No one and no mom could have told me or convinced me that these would be my feelings before baby came. I wouldn't have understood and it wouldn't have mattered. With hands wide open, a lot of prayer, and a little help, we have survived and started to thrive in this little situation called parenthood.
I love Knox more than I can say and I fall more in love with my little human everyday as he looks and smiles at me, as we snuggle on the couch, and as he stares and babbles intently at me.
Motherhood is not what I expected. It's an amazingly hard, tiring, and stressful but it's also wonderful, rewarding, and fun. I'm very thankful to be a mother. The Lord has entrusted me with a little soul and I can't wait to learn more and more about him as we teach, discipline, and love him in this life.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. - 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
See the full birth story @ http://didyoueverthinkthat.blogspot.com/2015/02/a-birth-story-knox-edition.html
Zoloft helped me, but I had to get over the guilt of needing an anti-depressant
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