I'd like to say I'm a super mom and it hasn't been a struggle every.single.day since it started but that just wouldn't be true. Being a working mom can be tough. Correction. Being a mom is tough.
First of all, Knox wakes up (fingers crossed) around 7:00 am each morning. I have to leave for work at 6:50 am so John gets baby duty in the mornings. I try to be exceptionally loud around baby's room when it gets close to time for me to leave in the hopes of waking him for a little kiss or snuggle before I'm out the door (don't tell John). Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.
Leaving before your baby wakes up is so hard. Talk about mommy guilt. Everything inside of me says I"m the only one who can wake him up, dress him, prepare him for his day...and somehow, if I don't do these things, I fail...
John takes him off to daycare and then heads to work himself. I travel a million miles down the tollway, walk across two sky bridges, and then sit down at my desk and turn into SLP mode. The next 8 hours go like this....
"I wonder when he last ate?"
"Did he take a good nap?"
"Will he be in a good mood when I pick him up?"
"Did I leave any extra clothes in his diaper bag?"
Trying not to think about your baby at work is like trying not to breath. indefinitely. I feel guilty for leaving him with someone else. I feel guilty for enjoying my time away from him. I feel guilty about feeling guilty.
Finally, I'm off work. Then the real fun begins. It's a mad dash to the Tollway in an attempt to make it back to the burbs before the real traffic hits, and then decide what happens next...
1. Target. (There's surely something I need there on any given day. food. formula. curtains. hard to say.)
2. Workout. (who are we kidding? this is really #10,000 on the list. although it should be moved up. baby weight is real and upsetting.)
3. Go straight to the daycare because you can't stand another minute without him. (cue additional guilt)
4. Sit in your car for an hour in the driveway of the daycare to "rest my eyes" without interruption. (cue additional guilt)
The options are endless.
Typically, I decide to immediately pick up my son. He's smiling, happy, talking, and generally had a great day without me as far as I can tell. We go home and I soak up 2 hours of Knox time, granted this is still his witching hour(s), until he's back in his crib and I'm already waiting to wake him up again in the morning.
It should be noted that trying to enjoy the witching hours is no easy task. He's tired. I'm tired. Stopping to enjoy the moments we do have can be so hard. I find more guilty feelings for "not doing more, teaching him more, loving him more" and so on....
The next several hours consists of running around like a crazy person to ensure the next day of daycare, work, and life are in order before crossing my fingers that we all sleep before the whole thing is put on repeat.
Being a working mom can be tough. We are still learning our new normal. What i do know is:
I am thankful for a job that I love and am passionate about. I am thankful God has blessed me with a skill that can help other moms on a daily basis. It's ok to love my job. It's ok to leave my baby to do my job. He's in good hands and I am able to serve others with a gift I've been given. I will not allow mommy guilt to cripple my love for my job.
I am thankful for a husband that supports and helps. I am thankful that we are a good team and that this baby thing is getting a little easier everyday. He leads our family well and I am able to enjoy my baby at night because of all of the help and assistance he provides.
I am thankful to have a crazy, smart, and chubby little boy who makes coming home from work a little more fun each day. His smile, his laugh, and his ability to make me melt make coming home so very sweet.
I am thankful for a God who loves me. The wife me. The mommy me. The speechie me.
This is our new normal and I am thankful.
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