The New Normal....

Well, we are officially one month into our new normal. I'm back at work. My husband is back at work. My baby is in daycare. (daycare posts to come)

I'd like to say I'm a super mom and it hasn't been a struggle every.single.day since it started but that just wouldn't be true. Being a working mom can be tough. Correction. Being a mom is tough.

First of all, Knox wakes up (fingers crossed) around 7:00 am each morning. I have to leave for work at 6:50 am so John gets baby duty in the mornings. I try to be exceptionally loud around baby's room when it gets close to time for me to leave in the hopes of waking him for a little kiss or snuggle before I'm out the door (don't tell John). Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

Leaving before your baby wakes up is so hard. Talk about mommy guilt. Everything inside of me says I"m the only one who can wake him up, dress him, prepare him for his day...and somehow, if I don't do these things, I fail...

John takes him off to daycare and then heads to work himself. I travel a million miles down the tollway, walk across two sky bridges, and then sit down at my desk and turn into SLP mode. The next 8 hours go like this....

"I wonder when he last ate?"
"Did he take a good nap?"
"Will he be in a good mood when I pick him up?" 
"Did I leave any extra clothes in his diaper bag?"

Trying not to think about your baby at work is like trying not to breath. indefinitely. I feel guilty for leaving him with someone else. I feel guilty for enjoying my time away from him. I feel guilty about feeling guilty. 

Finally, I'm off work. Then the real fun begins. It's a mad dash to the Tollway in an attempt to make it back to the burbs before the real traffic hits, and then decide what happens next...

1. Target. (There's surely something I need there on any given day. food. formula. curtains. hard to say.)

2. Workout. (who are we kidding? this is really #10,000 on the list. although it should be moved up. baby weight is real and upsetting.)

3. Go straight to the daycare because you can't stand another minute without him.  (cue additional guilt)

4. Sit in your car for an hour in the driveway of the daycare to "rest my eyes" without interruption. (cue additional guilt)

The options are endless.  

Typically, I decide to immediately pick up my son. He's smiling, happy, talking, and generally had a great day without me as far as I can tell. We go home and I soak up 2 hours of Knox time, granted this is still his witching hour(s), until he's back in his crib and I'm already waiting to wake him up again in the morning.

It should be noted that trying to enjoy the witching hours is no easy task. He's tired. I'm tired. Stopping to enjoy the moments we do have can be so hard. I find more guilty feelings for "not doing more, teaching him more, loving him more" and so on....

The next several hours consists of running around like a crazy person to ensure the next day of daycare, work, and life are in order before crossing my fingers that we all sleep before the whole thing is put on repeat.

Being a working mom can be tough. We are still learning our new normal. What i do know is:

I am thankful for a job that I love and am passionate about. I am thankful God has blessed me with a skill that can help other moms on a daily basis. It's ok to love my job. It's ok to leave my baby to do my job. He's in good hands and I am able to serve others with a gift I've been given. I will not allow mommy guilt to cripple my love for my job.

I am thankful for a husband that supports and helps. I am thankful that we are a good team and that this baby thing is getting a little easier everyday. He leads our family well and I am able to enjoy my baby at night because of all of the help and assistance he provides.

I am thankful to have a crazy, smart, and chubby little boy who makes coming home from work a little more fun each day. His smile, his laugh, and his ability to make me melt make coming home so very sweet.

I am thankful for a God who loves me. The wife me. The mommy me. The speechie me. 

This is our new normal and I am thankful.

My husband is a better stay-at-home mom than me

Tonight marks the end of 4 weeks of paternity leave for my husband. We switched roles and he became the stay-at-home parent for our little man. We were very blessed that his company provides paid time off for dads, especially when I had to go back to work.

I would like to think I'm pretty good with kids, especially babies, as that's kinda of what my job pays me to do everyday...feed babies. But I've decided there are just some things that a dad can do better. In case you've ever thought, man, he's better at this....or if you ever want to experiment with your new dad....these are my findings.

1. Cry it out. Think of what you will about cry it out, but we believe in it in the Lee household. Knox is always fed, dry, and warm when he goes down for what we call "taking a little break"...There's no reason to panic. At least you would think that. Knox loves to sleep, he sends me signs that he wants sleep, he sometimes begs to sleep. He has however decided that the first 60-90 seconds of nap time is meant for releasing all prior build-up stress from a hard day of eating, playing, and pooping. This consists of bloody murder screaming which is like nails on a chalkboard to me. My husband however can listen to this for hours (ok, maybe, like 20 minutes max) without flinching.

2. Cleaning. So when I was on maternity leave, cleaning really fell to the wayside... I wanted to clean, I wished I could clean, but my little tiny human had other ideas of what I should do with my time. John (*getting baby at 12 weeks old) did all the laundry, mopped with floors, and dusted the house on day one of being at home. He started strong and was completely exhausted, but he did it instantly putting my cleaning skills to shame.

3. Sleeping in the crib. Let me preface by saying, Knox has a nasty case of reflux and had a never ending cold that kept us from the transition to the crib initially. He adored the rock n' play and has a flat spot to prove it. He had no desire to make a change. I worried and avoided it for weeks. Cue John's paternity leave. I went back to work on Monday and by that afternoon I was receiving pictures of my sweet little boy sound asleep....IN HIS CRIB. Dang it, John. From that day forward, the kid takes all naps and bedtime in the crib, no questions asked.


4. Transition to 5 bottles. We love Babywise in the Lee house and Babywise said it was time to transition to 5 bottles. I had no idea how to do this and frankly was nervous because Knox didn't exactly wait his 3 hours for each bottle so I didn't know how taking one away would work. Again, in the matter of a day or two, John somehow stretched out his feedings into a workable schedule without sending Knox into a tailspin. (I have a feeling it had a lot to do with #1)

5. Resale shopping. John and I both love to shop. We knew having a baby would be dangerous, especially with baby Gap. A couple days into his paternity leave, I started getting texts like, "alright, Kid-to-Kid is a treasure trove of clothes" and "Just went to Buy and Buy and got onsies for $2!" We are now officially addicted to re-sale baby shops. A baby needs 10 different Ralph Lauren onsies, right?

All in all, although I want to be super mom and be the best at everything I do, my husband seems to be pretty good at this whole early parenting thing. It's an important lesson to learn. Teamwork is key to raising a tiny human. He's completely capable and sometimes way better than I am at taking care of our little man.

I'm extremely thankful for him, his willingness to care for Knox, and bonding time they were able to share in these 4 weeks.

Becoming a working mama....

On Monday, I enter the world of the working mother. The thought of not working never really crossed my mind pre-pregnancy and thoughout. In fact, I never thought I would want to stay home, I love my job and I'm not good at being alone, not to mention barely keeping my sanity the first 6 weeks of this kid's life. If I could have held it together for more than 2 minutes, I probably would have put on my scrubs, handed my colicky-refluxing, not-so-happy baby to anyone who would take him, and walked straight out the door.

A quick 6 weeks later, I'm sitting here on the couch on the verge of tears, just thinking about leaving him. He's a little human now with a personality and laughs and smiles. I finally know what his cries mean, he sleeps through the night (mostly), and I'm feeling more and more like his mother, not his babysitter, every single day. He just started babbling, making eye contact, and finding his feet. He looks at me and I know he knows I'm his mother. How do you hand over your little to someone else? 

I now understand why stay-at-home moms want to be stay-at-home moms and why it's the hardest job in the world. In the end, I hope and pray that we find a happy balance between a career that I love and what works best for my family.